From t-phils@microsoft.UUCP Sat Dec 9 04:27:25 1989 From: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (the Eternal Stranger) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Come on in! Date: 8 Dec 89 03:14:51 GMT Reply-To: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (the Eternal Stranger) Organization: Microsoft Corp., Redmond WA Summary: #define LURK off...? Status: O During a pause in the conversation in the Place, Alaric looks up with an abstracted expression, as though listening to some faint, far-off sound. After a few seconds, he smiles and glances around the table at the others sitting there. "If you'll excuse me for a moment?" he says quietly, with a quick nod of acknowledgement to Jilara, Magyk and the tabbifli, then gets up and walks over to the door. (Incidentally, he is no longer wearing the two-handed sword; it now leans against the wall behind the table.) Opening the door part-way, he looks intently out into the darkness and blowing snow. "I know you're out there, Ellen," he calls; "Come on in and join us! It's much warmer in here...." He almost closes the door, enough to keep the warmth in, but leaves it an inch or two ajar. (Fortunately, the wind has shifted, and the door is now on the lee side of the building, so no snow blows in.) Walking over to the bar, he pulls out a silver coin and tosses it to Mike. The coin, like all the others, metamorphoses into a dollar bill moments after leaving his hand. (This creates rather an odd effect, since it flies in a high ballistic arc as a tossed coin normally would, then transforms itself into paper and flutters almost straight down into Mike's waiting hand. Oddly enough, his hand is in precisely the right place to catch the falling bill, instead of being positioned to intercept the coin....) "Mike," he says, "when the young lady who's lurking outside wondering whether to come in makes up her mind and comes in, kindly inform her that her first one's on me...." With that, he returns to his table and resumes the conversation, idly scratching the tabbifli's back as he speaks. -- _________________________________________________________ | Phil Stracchino t-phils@microsoft.UUCP | | "What about me, it isn't fair | | I've had enough, now I want my share | | Can't you see, I want to live..." | | - Moving Pictures | | "If life was simple, everyone would be good at it." | | - The Eternal Stranger | \_________________________________________________________/ From t-phils@microsoft.UUCP Sat Dec 9 04:27:26 1989 From: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (the Eternal Stranger) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: Forces, Vast and Mighty Date: 8 Dec 89 03:27:20 GMT Reply-To: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (the Eternal Stranger) Organization: Microsoft Corp., Redmond WA Keywords: Argh Status: O James Webster Birdsall writes: | The door opens and a thoroughly gloomy looking scarecrow in a green | jacket enters. He heads straight for the bar, forgets the name of what | he wants, and is forced to describe it to Mike. Having collected his | whatever-it-is of vodka and OJ, he steps up to the line and stands there | for a minute. .... | "I guess I'm going to have to toast Answers. May everyone find the | one they need." | | He throws the glass in without further ceremony and retreats to an | empty table in a corner, hoping that maybe somebody will come over and | talk. But, as he looks around, he realizes that most everybody is | sitting in groups of friends and that it's unlikely that anybody is | going to break off having a good time to talk to a source of such | intense gloom and bitterness. So he just sits and watches from the | shadows... "I'll second that. To answers, and finding them!" Alaric tosses his glass into the fireplace from where he sits, with a deceptively lazy-looking overhand snap. The glass whistles faintly as it streaks into the fireplace, dropping no more than a few inches in its flight, and explodes into a thousand glittering shards. He stands and walks up to the bar for a refill, handing Mike another of his metamorphosing silver coins, then turns and walks back to the table with what looks a lot like a Tequila Sunrise except for the faint wisps of steam rising from its surface. Part-way there, at his point of closest approach to the corner table (by a slightly indirect route, by the way) he turns towards the scarecrow, half-raises the steaming glass, and gestures with his other hand towards the table where he has been sitting with Jilara, Magyk and the tabbifli. "Care to join us?" he asks, then continues on his way back to his chair. [ok, so I see from later messages I'm a little late... I guess my net gateway was down. Again.] -- _________________________________________________________ | Phil Stracchino t-phils@microsoft.UUCP | | "What about me, it isn't fair | | I've had enough, now I want my share | | Can't you see, I want to live..." | | - Moving Pictures | | "If life was simple, everyone would be good at it." | | - The Eternal Stranger | \_________________________________________________________/ From ez000691@pollux Sat Dec 9 04:27:26 1989 From: ez000691@pollux Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: Interconnectedness Date: 8 Dec 89 04:11:05 GMT Reply-To: ez000691@pollux (Shadow) Followup-To: alt.callahans Distribution: usa Organization: University of California, Davis Keywords: long-winded as usual Summary: "friends" Status: O In article <11323@csli.Stanford.EDU> cphoenix@csli.stanford.edu (Chris Phoenix) writes: > ...Touching people, especially women, is a >violation. Offering backrubs, for example, is one of the scariest things >you can do, and even if they accept--and enjoy it--they will probably become >scared of you later. > Learn how to make smalltalk. Never talk about unpleasant subjects. > Learn how to close a conversation. Be very careful when walking >with people. If they think you're following them, they'll freak. Even if >you're in the middle of a sentence, if your paths split, don't walk with >them for a while more--even if you have nothing to do! I'm told you should >just slow down, and close off the conversation quickly. > Learn how to say "Hi, how's it going?" "Pretty good" "That's good". >The proper way is very bright and cheerful, with lots of inflection in your >voice. Don't say the words like they have any significance at all. > ...Just say "Hi" with a >very big smile, as though you're delighted to see them--but you don't care >about interacting with them. > With women, be very careful they don't feel threatened. Don't do >anything to make them think you might be hitting on them. > Don't be obviously trying to make friends... > ...It's OK to want to meet people, but not OK to want >to be friends with them. Friends are an invasion of personal space. > ...Mute your emotions. > Don't offer too much help... > ...If you offer help to someone you don't know, they'll >wonder what your game is. It won't occur to them that you might actually >like helping people... > Be careful even if you think you've gotten past the social mask. >It will be up again soon, and people will be very scared of you if you >cause them to remove it temporarily, or even if you see them without it. >The backrub thing is a good example. If you're giving a backrub to a >casual acquaintance, don't give a really good one--you might break down >the mask, and then when it comes up again they'll avoid you from then on. >Also, if someone is in a vulnerable position, such as being really tired or >upset, be careful how you pry. You might be able to get past the mask, and >that might feel like a good thing. But then the next day, they'll remember >that you can get past their mask, and they'll stay away from you. > Keep your interactions on a superficial level. People don't like >having to think about social interactions. Don't expect anything important >to happen, and definitely don't try to make something important happen. > Above all, don't do anything extraordinary. Don't do anything that a >"socially correct" person wouldn't do. It's very unnerving, because if you >do something unexpected they might be put in a situation that their social >mask can't handle. This is a disturbing prospect, and people will stay away >from you if they think you might do that to them. > ...if you start to talk about a >serious subject, they don't know where the conversation might go, and so >they don't feel safe talking about it. > And last, don't be too quick to drop the rules. >-- >Chris Phoenix | A harp is a nude piano. >cphoenix@csli.Stanford.EDU | "More input! More input!" "I say *NO*!!!" Shadow has been fading steadily since the recitation began, and this outburst is clearly an effort. Nevertheless, he manages to make himself heard. He drifts over to the phoenix and focuses, with some difficulty. "What are you *doing*?" he demands, in a whisper. "No one knows about these masks better than I. Well, perhaps that's not strictly true, but I've had enough experience. I built mine when I was only four, and kept it firmly on for more than fifteen years. Oh, you've done an admirable job of hitting the high points. You may have missed one or two," he hisses, "such as: Avoid anyone who doesn't seem to be following these rules. You don't want your acquaintances mentally grouping you with such outcasts. And never actively seek others out, or call them on the phone without a specific, and brief, purpose in mind. If you run into someone, fine, as long as it doesn't last too long. If you happen to be in the same place, you may converse, following the above guidelines. "Watch your volume. Speaking too loudly can be a sign of involvement. Of course, being too quiet can make people wonder what you're really thinking, particularly if you keep silent. Learn to strike a happy medium. Never stick to people for too long -- odds are they're uncomfortable with your presence, and folks who know when to vanish quickly make good companions. Make certain you complain about the same topics others complain about. Avoid disagreeing: it makes you stand out. "Learn how to hover inobtrusively. If at a large-scale gathering, keep moving. Avoid eye contact whenever possible. And as you said, never show emotion, and never touch. "Well enumerated, my friend," he says bitterly. "You've discovered the best way to avoid being a pariah among peers. Don't get too close, and you'll be counted a 'friend' among the best. People won't mind having you around. They won't mind having you around. "The problem, as you mention, is that masks are addictive. After a while, it becomes too easy, almost. Before you realize it, you can't get it off, even if you wanted to. Which of course you don't, consciously, because the mask is painless. That's a masks's chief attribute. Like a fencing hel- met. It protects you from the world, and, because you never get too close, it protects you from those who might get too close to you. "It protects you from your *friends*! You advise against wearing the mask for your friends. I wholly agree -- but how do you take it off??" His eyes are burning, and his form trembles. "After the mask becomes second nature to you, you forget you're wearing it! You forget there are other ways to act! You never find anyone to remove it for, in any case!!" He spins to address the room at large. "Shall I tell you what this mask is? It's a vicious trap, nothing more. It doesn't just protect; it *smothers*. It insulates so well that you become absolutely incapable of seeing anything in the world around you but mask and more masks, obscuring, hiding. No more people, but only *personae*!..." His glass shatters in his hand. Blood fails to drip. He blinks, then shakes his head momentarily, and lets the fragments fall to the sawdust. "I'm sorry," he says, much subdued. "I know I'm over-reacting. You didn't mean any of that, of course. Someone needed to know how to interact without scaring people, and that's the best way. Of course. "But it took me so long to crack out of *my* mask. And every so often, when things get really bad, I secretly wish I had it back. But you know what?" He cocks an eyebrow at the phoenix. "I never try. I know better, now." He looks down at his insubstantial form, and adds, "Silly nicknames aside, of course. "I was lucky. I happened to run into enough people determined to break me out of my shell that they did it, somehow. And maybe my problem isn't everybody's...it's just that, as an actor, I was so damned *good*..." He takes a deep breath, then smiles at the phoenix. "Don't take any- thing I've said personally, Chris. You just struck an exposed nerve, that's all. With any luck people have figured out by now not to listen to me too carefully anyway. But I could *not* let those rules go by without comment. They very nearly ruined me." He sighs. "Wish I'd had your warning label when I started...maybe I wouldn't have wasted so many years avoiding -- no, fearing -- friends." With that, he slides back into the shadows near the fire, where he draws out a slip of paper and begins deliberately tearing it into pieces, letting the scraps drift into the flames. Shadow -- >From the only slightly twisted mind of... "In case we decide to ez000691@pollux.ucdavis.edu surrender to them, Number One." From greywolf@unisoft.UUCP Sat Dec 9 04:27:28 1989 From: greywolf@unisoft.UUCP (The Grey Wolf) Newsgroups: alt.callahans Subject: Re: Interconnectedness Date: 8 Dec 89 04:27:30 GMT Reply-To: greywolf@unisoft.UUCP (The Grey Wolf) Distribution: usa Keywords: BULLSHIT WIMPY-ASSED EMPTY-HEADED DRIVEL Summary: THESE RULES ARE FOR THE PEOPLE WHO INVENTED THEM Status: O ...uh, Hi, Chris... :-) (no the keywords do not apply to your thoughts on the matter, but to the rules themselves.) In article <11323@csli.Stanford.EDU> cphoenix@csli.stanford.edu (Chris Phoenix) writes: # This started as a posting, then became a letter, and now it's a posting # again. It's *very* long. The first half is the story of my social # development. The second half is social rules that I've learned for # dealing with social settings where masks are required. If you don't want # to read all of it, just hit 'j' or 'n'. This is a posting -- a very long posting with lots of cross-references, so if you don't want to read all of it right now, save it, junk it or whatever. # # In article <12007@phoenix.Princeton.EDU> you write: # >"My reason for being here is friendship. I have a problem making # >friends. I've only had a few in my life, almost all, for some strange # >reason, female. # # Same here... also, my female friends are often the kind that other women # hate/are jealous of on sight... just because they're too competent/beautiful/ # intense. Probably because that's the only kind that I don't scare away... # You mentioned an overprotective mother. I don't want to get Freudian here, # but mine was overprotective too, and I didn't really have a "manly" role # model. Funny, I was basically raised by my mom (I was usually scared to death of my dad -- I'll relate why later), but most of my friends are male. I keep scaring the girls/women off...! (at this point, I don't care, for reasons obvious to anyone who has been following along) # I suspect that's why so many of my friends are female--I just never # learned to like drinking, or sports, or cars, or ... nor did I really -- I drink a little because I like the taste of what I am drinking -- just like when I smoked (mj), I liked the taste of it, though the effect was kind of pleasant...... # I think I have more common ground with women than with most men. Despite the fact that I scare women off, I, too, have more common ground with women... # # >I'm an only child, so I never had the # >experience of getting along with siblings. # # I have a younger brother. He was *very* hard to get along with--everyone # in my family had trouble dealing with him. He's gotten better now, but # I've often wished I'd been an only child. The experience I got dealing # with him didn't help my social skills at all. Social skills? What are those? ;-) I have an older brother, but he's enough older that he was a third parent (bleah). He's 9 1/2 years older than I am... # [ lived in a small town, went to small school ] I went to private school for seven years -- had to *repeat* kindergarten be- cause my social skills were nil (more on this in a minute) -- and then got kicked out at the end of my fifth grade year for not doing my homework. Side note here. It seems I live my life kind of backwards. When I was in Kindergarten, all I wanted to do was learn because that was the environ- ment I was raised in (I learned to talk before I learned to walk, and my mom had me balancing chemical equations and doing time/speed/distance calculations in my head by the time I was five...). I didn't want to go out and play with the other kids much, I wanted to sit and fill my head with information. But NOOOOOOOO! They said, "It's time to put that work away and go play with the others, now." So then I get older and as I get older, I begin to get the idea and get involved in social interaction...with very few, very special people, mind you, but at least it was a start (I felt like nobody really liked me). And then I filled my head with everything I wanted to learn. I wanted to go out and take my free time and bop around. But NOOOOOOOO! They said, "You can't go off and have fun until you get your work done." I wish they'd have quit trying to make up my mind for me... # . Another part of the problem, I think, was that I was very # innocent about sexual things in grade school (overprotective mother again) # and so kids could always embarrass me easily. Once they learned this, I # spent a lot of my time being embarrassed. I spent my time like this, even up to about two years ago, and it still kind of makes me blush (I'm not completely comfortable with my body yet!). # # When I went to college, I knew I had a chance to make a fresh start, to # relate to a whole new group of people who didn't know how socially screwed # up I was. So I decided to start watching them, and learning how to behave. # It worked pretty well, and I learned fast. By the end of the year, I think # I was as adept socially as an average schoolie. I had made several good # friends as well. I got this in my senior year in High School. All the rest can fall by the wayside, but this was my best year. That year of my life is only barely matched by 1989. # # > self-centered ... 'clingy' ... personal space ... expectations # # [ ran into the same thing...people don't want to be friends...afraid] I have come to the conclusion that if they cannot accept you for who you are, as you are, then they are truly not worth the effort to be friends with. If they're afraid, they probably cannot handle the way you are. Personal space is a problem I never have (except with my ladyfriend/soul- mate, and then because of extenuating circumstances... or because I hang on too tightly to her (mistake!)). I seem to know intrinsically when to back off. # . I was really depressed # for a lot of this quarter, and finally decided that it simply wasn't worth # dealing with undergrads. For all intents and purposes, I'm an undergrad -- I actually have three years plus of "real" courses still left to complete. # I don't reject friendship, but I'm not trying to # gain friends among them anymore. I've just had too many senseless rejections, # scared too many people, wasted too much time, and had to learn too many rules. I had to learn the rules in fourth grade, and I learned them, and as miser- able as I was, I made my choice. I have no regrets now. When I was myself, nobody liked me (or so it seemed). When I tried to fit their mold, nobody liked me -- in fact, things got worse. So I figured, "If they don't like me if I'm myself, and they don't like me when I try to fit in, then I'm going to be myself, and to hell with them." It works for me. # I found the rules really hard to deal with, but for a while I tried to learn # them--even getting counseling from my friends on how to be more socially # acceptable. Then one day I realized that even around friends, I couldn't # stop using these rules and playing these games. That's the point at which # I decided that it wasn't worth it. I'm still learning the rules, but I'm # not practicing them anymore. I've replaced them with one very simple one: # If I don't know someone, he probably doesn't want to talk to me. This is # actually a very successful rule. If I try to be friends with people, I # scare them just like you do. If I just say "hi" and be polite, but don't # try to be friendly to them, they start thinking I'm a nice guy and wanting to # be friends with me. I don't know why this works. One of the rules I learned # was to "mute" my emotions and my reactions--this was supposed to make me # "cool". But if I don't try to be friendly, I guess that "mutes" me by about # the right amount. Gack. Mute emotions? usually this is unthinkable for me. What is this "cool" stuff? The friends I keep consider me a friend. Whether they think I'm "cool" or not is no concern. Of course, one cannot always show emotions to the world, but it's rare that my real emotions don't somehow show through, even if just a trickle for an instant to show the newcomer that yes, I feel, yes, I care, and yes, I hurt. I am mortal and immortal, just like you. I'm no more special, and no less special. # # Grads tend to not get as freaked out by me, and to be more open and require # less personal space. I think it's the fact that they've, what do we call it, "grown up" a tad, overcome a lot of their insecurities. Of course, some of us never make it that far, no matter how old we get. (How do you think this country gets its policies sometimes...?) # # > I was always taught that friends were trustworthy # >and honest and loyal, and failed to see how one could be friends # >otherwise. That's what I was taught. I have discovered therein the difference between friends and acquaintances. # # That's what I thought too. One of the most depressing things I had to # realize this quarter was that most of the people I thought were my friends # were really only just acting friendly. This is something that comes # naturally to most people, or else they've practiced it a lot--I suspect the # latter. Anyway, people can be very friendly as long as it doesn't cost them # anything. I know it's dishonest, but that's the way they are. Then when I # try to invoke any friendship, to invade their personal space in any way, I # find out that they aren't really my friend. And there's so many ways to invade # personal space... ask for a favor, start to tell them about any problem no # matter how trivial, even sit down too close to them (I'm told 2 feet is "way # too close"--that means you can't even fit 3 people on a sofa!). A foot and a half is about right for normal purposes...any closer than that and you will literally crunch elbows... # # Anyway, the only advice I can give is to try to find some people who have # outgrown this stage of being totally a social construct and of being scared # by any contact. There's not too much you can do with "friends" like yours # except ignore them. Maybe I'm being too harsh on them, but your posting # sounded like they didn't even think they should be expected to be truthful # with you. That is not a friend. You should probably keep practicing your # social skills, but be careful not to use them too often--it's a very bad # habit to get into. And remember that anyone you meet, especially undergrads, # is probably putting up as much of a social mask as you are. Don't assume # friendship, because it's usually not there. If you want to make friends # worth having, just be yourself, and whoever you don't scare off is probably # a worthwhile friend. Be polite--for example, if you swear a lot or something, # try cutting that down--but don't put up a mask. YES! The veritable truth (how's THAT for redundancy?). A friend who is not truthful with me is not my friend. # But if you want to be popular... Gawd, I always wanted that in school, but I would have driven myself and my parents *nuts*! # Here are some of the more useful rules I've learned... if you practice these, # you should be able to be "socially correct" in most settings, although you're # probably less likely to gain any true friends from people you practice these # on. NOTE: From here on I understand that the rules are for those who wish to be socially correct, so my flames are only half-hearted. My first skim of this article told me something different than the re-reading did. I missed the fact that "this isn't for *real* people!". I had to reply, though... # Learn and obey the personal space rules. Watch other people, ask # a few of them, find out what is a violation of personal space--and don't # ever do it, even accidentally. Touching people, especially women, is a # violation. Offering backrubs, for example, is one of the scariest things # you can do, and even if they accept--and enjoy it--they will probably become # scared of you later. Oh, foo. Those aren't women, those are girls. Tell them their mamma's waiting for them. # Learn how to make smalltalk. Never talk about unpleasant subjects. # Sports are good, if you know enough about them (I don't.) Smalltalk? Isn't that a transfer protocol? # Learn how to close a conversation. Be very careful when walking # with people. If they think you're following them, they'll freak. Even if # you're in the middle of a sentence, if your paths split, don't walk with # them for a while more--even if you have nothing to do! I'm told you should # just slow down, and close off the conversation quickly. And leave something undone and unfinished? It leaves me feeling too funky inside. # Learn how to say "Hi, how's it going?" "Pretty good" "That's good". # The proper way is very bright and cheerful, with lots of inflection in your # voice. Don't say the words like they have any significance at all. I think # I actually get better results when I don't meet people's eyes while I'm # saying it. The best way to learn this is to watch other people. Also, don't # assume if someone says "Hi" that they want to talk. Just say "Hi" with a # very big smile, as though you're delighted to see them--but you don't care # about interacting with them. I know it's sick, but that's the way to do it. It seems to be. I actually exercise this rule quite a bit more than I would care to, but it's actually better than saying nothing at all... # With women, be very careful they don't feel threatened. Don't do # anything to make them think you might be hitting on them. Violating personal # space is often seen this way. Yep. It's funny; when you just want to be friends with a lady, it almost inevitably grows into something more (it has with me thrice now). If you want something more than friends, they will push you away. This is a rule that does really apply. Of course, there are different definitions of "hitting" on someone... it depends on the individual. # Don't be obviously trying to make friends. This could be why they # say you're too "clingy". It's OK to want to meet people, but not OK to want # to be friends with them. Friends are an invasion of personal space. Their loss. # This one is pretty important: Mute your emotions. I mentioned this # above too. Emotion is also an invasion of personal space, if it's too intense. # Whatever you do, don't be too intense. People find that very hard to deal # with. Just picture all your reactions painted in light pastel colors. Mine are painted in many colours, pastel, primary, day-glo, and all sorts of shades, energies... how do you paint those please-don't-hit-me-orange cones that you see on the highways using only pastel colours, and light ones at that?!? I am intense and proud of it, and while people do tend to shy away from me, I have the satisfaction of knowing that those friends who stay with me and those co-workers who can work comfortably with me on their team are worth every minute I have ever spent alone. # Don't offer too much help. I don't know if you do this, but I had # problems with it. If you offer help to someone you don't know, they'll # wonder what your game is. It won't occur to them that you might actually # like helping people... Too many people think like this for real, unfortunately, and it has led to the mortal wounding of common courtesy (q.v. Warm Fuzzy post by Gilly!). # Be careful even if you think you've gotten past the social mask. # It will be up again soon, and people will be very scared of you if you # cause them to remove it temporarily, or even if you see them without it. Gee, you mean we might see a *real person* under there somewhere? Oh, my, we can't have *that* now, can we? # The backrub thing is a good example. If you're giving a backrub to a # casual acquaintance, don't give a really good one--you might break down # the mask, and then when it comes up again they'll avoid you from then on. Casual acquaintances don't usually get close enough to be given backrubs. And if they do, there is something about that which leaves a special fleck of recognition between us. Nothing may come of it, but it generates another friendly face in the mural of my life... # Also, if someone is in a vulnerable position, such as being really tired or # upset, be careful how you pry. You might be able to get past the mask, and # that might feel like a good thing. But then the next day, they'll remember # that you can get past their mask, and they'll stay away from you. This # doesn't always happen--if someone is upset, they may be grateful for someone # to talk to--but don't always assume that getting past masks is a good thing. Again, their loss. # Keep your interactions on a superficial level. People don't like # having to think about social interactions. Don't expect anything important # to happen, and definitely don't try to make something important happen. # This point is closely tied to the next one. Real people do care. [ As mentioned above, these are all my own points of view for what they're worth, in case anyone has forgotten... ] Caring is one of the things which makes me feel alive. When I care and when someone else cares, it shows me that we are not just a bunch of auto- matons strolling about like zombies, though so many people die each day who never showed others how they have felt. What a waste. # Above all, don't do anything extraordinary. Don't do anything that a # "socially correct" person wouldn't do. It's very unnerving, because if you # do something unexpected they might be put in a situation that their social # mask can't handle. This is a disturbing prospect, and people will stay away # from you if they think you might do that to them. There are some areas where # you can get away with more than in others. For example, dressing wierd is # OK, at least at Stanford. It won't turn people off, because while it may be # unusual they know how to deal with it. But if you start to talk about a # serious subject, they don't know where the conversation might go, and so # they don't feel safe talking about it. Around here, no one talks about their # troubles, so doing that is extraordinary. If you'll tell strangers about # your problems, who knows what you might say??? Troubles are best not shared with someone you're uncomfortable with. By uncomfortable, I mean *deep down inside gut reaction uncomfortable*, not just unfamiliar. I trust my gut reactions. I have misjudged rarely, though it does happen often enough for me to admit to being...um...at least partly human...:-) # And last, don't be too quick to drop the rules. If you think you've # made a friend, fine... but if they became your friend while seeing this mask, # they'll probably freak if you drop it all at once. # Aw, but mundanes are so fun to freak out -- their eyes pop out, their faces vary from flushed to pale, they look around with this *really* nervous look on their faces, maybe horror in their eyes. 8-) # A couple of warnings on the above rules: They're only useful in certain # cases. In my experience, most undergrads follow them and expect you to too. I'd love to see these certain cases go away, but I guess they can't, else life would fall out of balance at this point. # But *don't* use them on your friends, and be *very* careful not to get so # used to them that you can't drop them entirely. The personal-space rules # are the ones I find the hardest to get rid of--I almost flinch when a woman # touches me at a party, because I know if I touch a woman at a party, even # accidentally, she'll probably get freaked. I am not happy about this at # all. If your mask isn't stuck on already, don't let it become that way. # You will find a few people who you don't need a mask for, and it's very # important to be able to take it off when you can. Yes, quite so. Your friends will often be the crux of a matter. # Also, I hear that when you get out into the real world they aren't used # nearly as much, so you'll probably want to drop most of them then. Well, I dunno...the *real world* has filled with an awful lot of unreal people as of late. As I stated above, some people just don't learn to overcome their insecurities. It shows in people I deal with from day to day. Not everybody meshes with everybody else. The fun part is that the unreal people expect a mask from me. The only mask I put on for them is one of complete disinterest, neutrality and apathy. I sincerely hope it bugs the fuck out of them. # # If anyone's gotten this far, I'd really appreciate comments on the rules-- # Do you think they're correct? Do you have any others to add? Do you # think they should ever be used? I think they're sadly correct. I think they should not have been created, let alone used. Another one to add? Hmmm... not offhand... # # >"I could go on, but I have too long ... # # If you think you went on too long... # # >TO FRIENDSHIP, MAY ALL OURS BE TRUE. # # Amen! And again. < KEEERASSSHHHH > { pitcher of Ice Water -- here's a fiver! :-) } Fortunately this group of net.people is the kind who are not harsh in judg- ment. I thank you for humouring my long-winded re-statement/criticisms. The people who have written directly to me have already shown themselves to be more than just "casual acquaintances". Show me some feeling, and I'll lock onto it like a heat-seeking missile onto a magnesium flare. Do me a favour, however small, and I shan't forget you did it for me. # # -- # Chris Phoenix | A harp is a nude piano. # cphoenix@csli.Stanford.EDU | "More input! More input!" # Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules. # Disclaimer: I want a kinder, gentler net with a thousand pints of lite. -- "Like leaves we touched, we danced; we once knew the story As Autumn called and we both remembered all those many years ago. I'm sure we know..."